I Deserve It…

I have talked about this issue before.  I keep thinking I won’t feel the need to keep talking about it, but it seems like every couple of months I am forced to give myself a pep talk and get real with the root of the issue I am having.

I am a food addict.  This becomes very apparent when I justify my way into taking a break from eating the way I know is best for me and my health.  I always allow myself to think it that I deserve a treat because of all of the stress I have been fighting either at work or home (or both).

The past few weeks have been particularly stressful.  I spent a little while talking about work stress in my last blog.  That has been multiplied with the stress of my husband working two jobs, us never seeing each other, me being with our kids in our townhouse (with no yard to play in), and no one to watch the kids while I go for a run.  My husband has literally left his first job and driven straight to his second for a good 3 weeks in a row now with no break in between.  His break in between used to be my running time.  Now it is gone.

Once again, I face a pile of excuses and look for my alternate stress relief:  food.

Then I begin to indulge, because, hey!  I deserve it.

I don’t.

I don’t deserve the shame that I feel when I choose foods that I know are not healthy for me.  I don’t deserve the self-hate that I feel when I see the numbers on the scale begin to climb.  I don’t deserve the additional mental stress that I put myself under when I sell myself short to fast food instead of taking the time to nourish my body.  I don’t deserve how tired I feel after a terrible nights sleep because I had to take a nap in the afternoon due to the lack of natural energy I get during the day from feeding my body right.

I don’t deserve that.

So, why is that my default mode????

Why, when I get stressed do I make myself think that if I eat the foods that I love/hate that I will feel better and the stress will go away?

If I have said it once, I have said it 1,000 times…it is a spiritual battle.

I have not been investing in my spiritual life.  I have been pulling away.  I do this every time I start to fail myself in the health department.

I know that this eating battle and obsessive control over it is truly a spiritual battle, and when I choose to start eating poorly, I am deliberately choosing to turn my back on the truth.

The truth is God created food to nourish our bodies, not destroy them.  The truth is, my bad eating choices separate me from God because of shame.  The truth is when I make these choices, I start feeling negatively about myself.  I get embarrassed.  I separate myself from others in hopes that they won’t be disappointed in me too.  While separating from others, I take time away from church, and then slowly, away from God.

This is exactly what the enemy wants for me.

He wants me to isolate myself.  He wants me to live in a constant state of shame and disgust with myself because when I am in that state, I cannot fully serve God.  I cannot serve others.

I have to remind myself of this every once in a while to remind myself that the battle is the Lord’s.  I can choose to fight this battle alone like I did all last week, but then inevitably, I fail.      This battle is the Lord’s.  I can choose to let Him fight it through me.  I can choose to turn to Him when I am stressed instead of turning to my pseudo-comforter: food.  I can choose to call on Him when my self-control is weak and I know that He will sustain me.

Maybe you are like me and you are in this constant mind game of needing food for your comfort when things seem out of control.  Maybe you realize that you have a true addiction to food as well, or maybe you are on the complete opposite end of the spectrum and have an eating disorder.  I have been in those shoes as well.  Maybe your battle is not with food, but with another substance like drugs, porn, alcohol, cigarettes, prescription medications, attention, sex, or any other myriad of things.

Everyone has something.  Everyone.  Whatever your “something” is, remind yourself that the battle is the Lord’s.  Remind yourself that you deserve better.  You deserve victory.  You deserve freedom.

If you needed this reminder tonight, know that you are loved by the one who created you.  You were made to feel complete and whole in Him.  There is no food out there that can do that for you.  Even double stuffed Oreos.

If you need prayer or someone to talk to, let me know.  Sometimes it is nice to know that I am not the only one.

Your Friend in the Fight Against Fat,

Amanda

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